i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
