Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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