pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
