happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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