Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
