take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
