Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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