i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
