I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
