I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
