Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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