as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
did i walk over a car last night?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
