i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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