Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
