using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
