nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
