Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize