She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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