I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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