How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
