I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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