When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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