I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
pray to the hookup gods
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
