Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
