this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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