omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
