I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
