When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
