Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
