Will you blow on my dice?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
