I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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