Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize