____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
