then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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