I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
