She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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