Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
