You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Randomize
