You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
True strength comes from lack of pants
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
