Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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