just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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