Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He had one of those small greek statue penises
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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