my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
