my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
