good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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