Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
