I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My pussy is not your playground.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
