I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
