And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
