Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
