i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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