I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
